After Almost 40 Years I Finally Found My Calling
If you feel like you're supposed to be doing something else but can't remember what — this is that story
There's a specific kind of suffering that comes from not knowing your purpose — not dramatic suffering, but a persistent undercurrent. You do the work, you build the career, you follow the sensible path. And underneath it all, a quiet feeling: this isn't it. There was something else I was supposed to be doing. But I can't remember what.
I lived with that feeling for almost 40 years. This is the story of how it resolved.
What I Noticed as a Child
As a child, I noticed a dissonance in the behavior of the adults around me — something deeply important that I couldn't put into words. As I grew older, I began to doubt myself: maybe everyone was fine and I was the one who didn't get it. The memory of the dissonance was pushed into the background, leaving me with a strange feeling that whatever I did in life was somehow beside the point.
This feeling of frustration lingered with me for a long time.
Playing Hot and Cold
At times, I felt like I was getting closer to figuring out what I should be doing, while at other times, I felt completely oblivious, like in the game of hot and cold. Both experiences helped me because I could cross-reference them and determine what felt right and what felt like a waste of my time.
The Turning Point
At some point, something clicked, and it all started to make sense - it was a real turning point for me. It happened during my relationship with my ex-girlfriend.
Whenever intimacy was lost and replaced by what we called a "functional relationship", my ex would become irritated, and we would end up in a raging conflict that could last for hours or even days.
The only thing that would end the conflict and bring back the intimacy was surrendering to the truth - to stop trying to be right and face what really existed.
It's not easy to admit one's own feelings and perspective, especially when the other person is angry and judging you.
The Discovery
I learned that intimacy is the life-current of a relationship and that giving in to fear drives intimacy away.
I also understood that what bothered me as a child about the adults around me was the lack of intimacy - and when I say "intimacy" I mean:
- Being real
- Authentic
- Connected and present
- Open-hearted
- Honest
- Involved
- Having a sense of belonging
The Magic of Transformation
Years later, I learned how to create an environment that supports authenticity, allowing intimacy even where tensions and judgments exist, that would then be magically transformed into love.
My Calling
I feel that it's my calling to pass on to others the ability to grow their authenticity and intimacy in their relationships, whether romantic, friendly, or with their friends.